Tuesday 22 May 2012

Mental Clay

Well that was weird.  Weirdly shit.  Just when I thought I could get a little bit excited, they managed to fill every bone in my body with complete and utter disappointment.  Tree Hill must be one depressing place to live.  No one talks.  They just walk around to sad music looking pained.  I don't really think any of them have that many major issues in their life which warrant such pain.

What did we learn from today's lesson.  Clay is insane.  He went to a psychiatrist who confirmed that he need be locked away.  Slightly premature I thought, but then of course I remembered he had been speaking to the ghost of his wife for several years and that had been presumed normal.  Suddenly he is walking around town, not knowing what he is doing, buying drugs and needs to be institutionalised.  Oh well.  Clay is mental and sad. How interesting...

DCI Quinn wisely attempted to confront the drug dealer, and they nearly got shot.  Seriously Quinn, go back to just looking pretty.  It is a much more suited role.

Julian looked sad throughout and smashed a window.  Then Brooke forgave him because the baby didn't die.  There was so much potential with that story, and they just went for sadness then forgiveness.  God.  HE NEARLY KILLED YOUR CHILD WOMAN.  A child that you named Davis.  Well, with a name like Davis Davis perhaps he would have been better off dead.

My fave part was tough guy Dan Scott.  He scared the drug dealer then roughed up Clay in the sea.  I enjoy that they were on the beach one second, then suddenly in the sea.  Dan should have nailed him.  Dirty drug using psycho ghost talker man.  Think you can abuse beautiful Quinn do you.  Well haha in your face.  Feel the full wrath of Dan Scott punk.

Jamie is never naughty. Ever. Why?  And where the hell is Nathan.  We were left at the end with a cryptic clue of some random pink bunny lying by the road outside of the airport.  I hope he has been kidnapped by 1. Dan Scott. 2. Kieth. 3. Lucas.  All equally unlikely.  He probably just dropped it getting in his car.  That would be a major storyline.

Gay chase slept with Chris Keller's girlfriend.  That is all I have to say about that pair of insignificant whoppers. Apart from the fact that she is 92% less attractive than filth.

Ta la x

Sunday 20 May 2012

Chef Jeff

I found this episode entirely insignificant up until the final 4 seconds.  Here we are, 3 episodes in to the final season, the grande finale, and at last we have drama.  Hazaa!!!

Initially, it was so boring I had decided not to blog about it.  We have Jamie working at the cafe, he is 10 and jesting about child labour.  Chef Jeff, (lol by the way at the amount of time it must have taken to come up with that ingenious name), has quit the cafe.  The cafe is in itself extraordinarily weird in light of the fact that all of the customers seem to be in constant conversation with everyone else in the entire establishment.  Who could fill the huge void, left by this most wonderful of chefs called Jeff, who can flip burgers?  Dan Scott.  Predicted that correctly after about minus 9 seconds.  Snooze.  It did stimulate some thought in my brain though.  Would I want a fry up cooked by a murderer?  Couldn't decide?  Harold Shipman's Sunday Roast doesn't sound that appealing to be honest.

Julian was being a weirdo in the film studio thing he has decided to buy.  Why would anyone buy that in Tree Hill?  Last time I heard, that Hollywood place was pretty big on the movie scene, maybe he should have thought of there.  Slash, how do they have so much money, I thought he and Brooke were poor now?  Oh well, the fantasy lies of Tree Hill continue.

Mouth is still fat.  Millicent shouted at him on live TV, because she fears for his health. Christ woman.  His health?  He only has a fat neck.  I enjoy they're portraying this as some sort of eating disorder, when he has never been fat during the previous 8 years of entertainment.

As yes.  Quinn in her bra.  Lovely.  She is exquisitely beautiful.  I think I may actually love her, but God mental much? Pharmacy rings Clay asking why he hasn't picked up his prescription, she naturally stalks him to photograph him buying drugs.  This story would be good, if it had actual longevity and consistency.  You can't just make up a story when there is no background to it.  I don't even know now if he was an insomniac, had a serious disease or is a drug mule.  Who knows.  I predict I shall never find out.  There was also a nice seen involving Quinn in ridiculously short shorts on the beach looking depressed.  Ramalamadingdong.

Brooke went to play golf with her Dad, but he obvs binned her off because he's the mean Dad in town.  Dan Scott would absolutely smash him.  She was also wearing a ridiculously short skirt, which is entirely unpractical for golf, and extremely unflattering for the once extremely attractive B Davis.  I think that pretty much covers all the boring parts except for Chris Keller and Chase getting drunk and going the strippers.  Chase obviously depressed about Filth leaving, but too gay to enjoy women removing there clothes.

And now for the big finish.  This is actually good.  Good old responsible Jules, desperate to make he is way in the movie world leaves his poorly baby in the car.  I did spend most of the episode wondering why is he wandering round without the child he so obviously took out, but just presumed it would be another floor in the unconnected, uninteresting web of insignificant stories of the series so far.  But no, responsible Jules appears to be up shit creek without a paddle.

For the first time since that reasonably exciting episode when there was the storm in the last season (but which was notably ruined by everyone surviving) I am looking forward to the next episode.  Exciting times lie ahead.  Unless of course they decide it is all a dream - wouldn't be the first time.

Ta la x


Wednesday 16 May 2012

Fat Mouth

Fat Mouth.  Literally the greatest thing I think I have ever seen.  A concerned innocent Millicent expressing her fears over her partners health to his boss.  What could this be I wondered?  Perhaps he has some serious disease?

We cut to Millicent walking into their flat, "Mouth, Mouth" she cries.  Fat Mouth walks in eating a pasty.  My laughter was so hysterical I nearly choked.  I had to pause the episode to calm myself down.  This is what they have resorted to.  The only story that they can come up with is making a fringe character fat.  Not just fat.  Also lazy.  But mainly fat.  I mainly enjoy that he is not actually fat, but is just walking with his stomach pressed out and has been made to look like he has swollen neck glands.  It is by far the greatest Mouth moment in One Tree Hill history.

Meanwhile, in boring news, in the Scott household, Jamie seems to be loving that Dan is there.  Nathan is not happy, Hayley somehow loves a bit of forgiveness.  Nathan and Hayley seem to be making some sort of issue as to whether good old Dan should be allowed to stay, mainly due to Jamie's love of him.  Now, as I am yet to be fortunate enough to be blessed with children, I cannot say for certain, but if I found myself in such a situation, would I be happy to allow a psychopathic evil genius who murdered his brother in cold blood to move in and befriend my son?  Probably not.  If I was concerned about a developing relationship with my son and this evil genius, I may in fact decide to inform my son, that this gentleman killed his brother.  You know your sister Jamie?  How much do you love her?  A lot?  Imagine Dan Scott killed her.  Would he still be such a great Grandpa Dan then, with his card games and stories of years gone by.  I doubt it.

Clay seems to have decided that insomnia is a terminal illness and has chosen to mourn himself continuously, whilst not really providing any input to the show whatsoever.  Quinn tries to help, but everything that she tries to say is entirely undermined by how pretty she is.  She is so pretty it makes her seem simple.  Harsh perhaps, but some may say that is the price you pay.  Slash, why doesn't she just lock the doors and hide the keys.  I imagine Clay would do less damage to himself within the house, rather than wandering the streets of Tree Hill.

Chris Keller remains a sleeze.  I know he's is only a character, but I genuinely believe he thinks he is the absolute shit.  Really mate if you were that good at singing you would not have been in One Tree Hill in the first place, never mind been forced to return when the show is basically on its knees. Lyrics such as "even God needs the devil, and I am quite a friend" aren't going to get you anywhere fast either.

Alex remains filth and has decided to go on tour.  Bet she has.  Chase told her he loved her and moved her in, aided and assisted by that kid who is even more annoying than fat Jamie.  That kid, Chuck?, seems to be taking man advice from Chase. Not ideally wise, considering how gay Chase is.  And Chase let him have a beer.  He is about 9.  That must be some sort of grooming slash felony.

Something boring happened with Julian and Brooke but I don't really care to comment about that.  Brooke's Dad is obviously going to turn out evil.  To be honest I thought they had the evil Dad covered, you know with that Dan Scott guy?

In my boredom of this episode, my mind began to wander back to the days of the Ravens.  Good old Whitey, slutty Debs, wise Karen (Nala from the Lion King just in case you were interesed), Peyton and Lucas, evil Dan rather than forgive me Dan.  Those cheeky cheerleaders, the basketball games won in the last second, when Brooke was brunette and would hide naked in the back of people's cars.  It was fun, enjoyable TV.  This is now just a durge of disappointment.

Ta la x

Tuesday 15 May 2012

Back by Popular Demand

Due to an overwhelming surge in interest in this blog, and by surge I mean 2 readers, I have decided once again to pen my thoughts on the show that is One Tree Hill.  Season 8 is it?  The last series.  The only person we can thank for this is Christ himself.

I have a chronic failure in understanding how this show is still permitted to be broadcast.  One Tree Hill was a teenage drama show, about relationships of teenagers during their high school years.  Eight years down the line we are left with I believe 4 of the original cast, who are now practically middle aged, and so in love that it makes me want to bulimic vomit.  What this Mark Shwarn chap fails to understand is that noone actually cares if Hayley and Nathan produce more irritating offspring, if Brooke is able to conceive or if Dan Scott has turned over a new leaf.  This is not drama.  This is just people walking round being moapsy to the Now Suicide 2012 Soundtrack.

Alas, episode 1.  Here goes.  Where to begin but telling the audience basically everything that is going to happen in the series.  We have Dan Scott (legend) in a car with Chris Keller (musical knobcheese) looking awfully serious, Quinn being shouted at by Clay, Julian being assaulted, sexy model throwing things, or was that Brooke, my memory fails me.  Most intriguingly we have Hayley in a morgue exclaiming in shock and distress on the revelation of a body by a giant man.  Oooooooooooo exciting.  Then we have Dan Scott setting fire to a house whilst Nathan reads a passage, perhaps a biblical passage about the Devil.  Deep.  GOD. Why does it have to be so deep.  NOONE CARES. NOONE ACTUALLY CARES.  The devil is here!  Ooooooooo.

So the basis for the theme of the episode seemed to be that our beloved characters were all having their individual sleep difficulties.  Julian and Brooke struggling with the baby(s) (did they make them themselves or adopt? I don't remember/care).  That of course we forget is not actually a story to which entertainment value can be attached.  Then we have Quinn and Clay.  This made me laugh aloud.  He was sleep walking so far that he got out of his bed at the beach, walked through tree hill, walked over the bridge, walked across the river court, then positioned himself in the foetal position on a playground roundabout.  Creative writing One Tree Hill.  Quinn of course added to her normal contribution of looking insanely hot, by doing some comedy scenes (echos of Seth Cohen "she makes Marissa look funny") involving eating popcorn whilst Clay slept, for once in his bed.

In other news, Dan moved in with Hayley.  Fat Jamie was pleased to see him.  Nathan and his new shaven head appear to be living in an airport.  The fit model remains just pure filth.  Filth in a sexy way.  GOD.  SHE IS FILTH.  And totally wasted on that barman.  Chase perhaps be his name, the pilot man.  Nice Chase.  Gay.  So Gay though.

Chris Keller is one of my least favourite people in television history.  I cannot stand arrogance in any form, whether it be real life or fictional and therefore his faces instantly repulses me.  No doubt he will end up singing some shitty acoustic song, with his shitty hair and beard and ragging Alex like he almost did Hayley.  Poor Chase will be left to go back to the airforce with his stupid insults like "Peacock Dork" and be gay.

Things that intrigue me from this episode mainly include nothing.  I hope Hayley has a pyscho stalker, but no doubt it will be Lucas.  Yes I know of his return already.  My fists are clenched with excitement.  My biggest  fear is that Mouth and Millicent come back.  Oh, and healthy Amy Winehouse.  I hope they are burning in Nathan's poetic hell.  Overall, I hope Dan Scott murders them all, steals their hearts and lives happily ever after.  

Ta la x

Sunday 4 September 2011

I have noticed of late that the episode titles seemingly have no relevance to what happens in the rest of the show.  Today's entry named "The Man who sailed around his soul" was distinctly average.  It was in the weirdest order.  In fact I don't think it was in any order really.  It seemed to revolve around Jamie's baseball game, but with weird irrelevant flashbacks.  I know I keep saying this but the theme tune?  Really?  What was that?  I would prefer silence.

What excited me the most about this episode (except for Quinn in that outrageously small bikini) was the potential return of Dan Scott.  He did not actually appear, but I feel his return could be imminent.  I hope he isn't all reformed and sweet if he does though, he needs to be classic evil Dan Scott, my favourite villain since Jafar.  How trying it will be for Nathan if he seeks to rebuild their relationship.

By some complicated version of events involving urine samples, it turns out by the grace of God Brooke Davis is finally pregnant.  It was always going to happen, especially after the adoption disaster.  I was more pleased for Julian, and it appears they are now not leaving, which at least means they have some characters of substance remaining.

The mean tutor turned out not to be so mean, and Nathan, Quinn and Julian performed some sort of mafia style road trip with the Nathan Scott of baseball and taught him a lesson at the bridge where he had crashed previously.  I enjoyed it greatly when Nathan offered to help him from the water, and then smacked him in the face.  Go Scott!

Besides the classic American TV sports episode of hitting a winner in the last minute of the game, a trait which Jamie seems to have successfully inherited from his father, and Chuck being annoying, not much else happened.  Two more episodes to go.  Then whatever will I write about.  Probably nothing, as noone reads it anyway.

Ta la x


Wednesday 31 August 2011

You do not deceive me One Tree Hill

Aha! Some classic One Tree Hill deception was brought out in today's episode.  Trying to trick us mere mortals that the mean tutor had run into Jamie and Brooke's car on the bridge on that almost fatal night.  I of course was not fooled at all, and did not even doubt once that he was responsible for the crime.  So obvious.  The hard father with the difficult relationship with his son sacrifices everything he has so that his son can succeed.  A classic.  I can't believe it took Nathan so long to work out.

Julian was very angry in this particular episode, it did not suit him at all.  I much prefer him as a wise owl.

Quinn grated me exceptionally.  She is generally annoying as a character and I feel I only allow this as she is so fit.  I realised tonight for the first time that in the opening credits they show Millicent wearing her "zero is not a size t-shirt", despite the fact that Quinn is as wide as a broom handle. This of course, is by know means a bad thing, just saying.  Theme tune was also shocking again.

How big was that baby by the way?  Jesus.

Ooooooo. Look at us.  We're Millicent and Mouth, team journo.  What should we write about?  Drug stores? Planes?  Oh no wait, they have no relevance to anything.  AHA!!! They are building on the river court, let's prevent this because of all the memories.  Let's write about that. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Chase.  Be reasonable.  Get with Alex.  You will never do any better.  Especially not with Amy Winehouse.

Brooke leaving for New York, the river court closing, Nathan quitting basketball.  It all seems to be coming to a nice uneventful end.  I am concerned another season beckons though.  What misery can we expect from that?  I cannot contain my excitement.

Ta la x


Waaaaaaaahey

A twist.  Two in fact!  They did come in separate episodes, as individually they were far too boring to be written about in separate entities.  Therefore I decided to create a superblog. Lol.   I was most delighted, and actually punched my fist in the air with elation when the second twist arrived.

First twist being that the Nathan Scott of Baseball was the man who knocked the car into the river.  I had incorrectly, although in light of recent predictability, entirely reasonably assumed it was Chase, as there have been several shots of him drinking recently.  I also wondered if it was going to be the annoying child's alcoholic mother.  I'm glad that it was who it is though.  Will Nathan give him a chance or will he ruin him like he deserves to be ruined?  I presume that One Tree Hill's obsession with morality will ensure that the Nathan Scott of baseball pays for what he has done.  Hear hear!

In the birthing episode, they went for the classic flashback style.  I quite enjoyed this, as it reminded me of the days when One Tree Hill was actually good.  From the start I had hoped that one of several situations would arise - that Hayley would die, that the baby would die, that Brooke's baby would be an ethnic minority or that  the girl would decide not to give up her child.  My dream was in fact that Mouth would be run over by a steam roller, but that was probably too much to wish for and also slightly irrelevant.  The last one, arguably the most likely, happened.  I was pleased it did, as I enjoy watching the suffering more than the joy.  Poor Brooke and Julian, they were so close to the most ridiculously easy adoption in history, only to have it snatched from them at the final moments.  Oh well, I'm sure she will either miraculously become pregnant or get a child soon enough.  I also enjoyed how she held Hayley's baby whilst suppressing her pain.  Well done Brooke.

Jamie Scott's weird narration was also highly unnecessary and irrelevant.  I do not care about how many babies are born daily.  I do not watch One Tree Hill to find out such information.

Finally, I keep forgetting to do this but the theme tunes are deteriorating at a rate of knots.  Every episode has a different one.  This one was a nice little grunge number.  I'm sure Gavin de Graw or whatever his name is will not be content.  Maybe they are going to bring out a One Tree Hill Season 8 theme tunes album.  I will not be buying it, nor should anyone.  They'll be lucky if anyone buys the box set.

Ta la x